The Boredom

I’m bored. Bored with a capital B. But I don’t want to do anything, either.

My counselor suggested that it’s not real boredom- it’s a symptom of the depression. Most people when they are bored want to do something to end the boredom- but me? I only want to lay on the couch and check Facebook. I check Facebook because I’m bored. But… this isn’t boredom?

So what is it? Apathy? Resignation? Numbness? What?

How does one combat not!boredom? Sometimes I think that my problem would be solved if I went back to work (I’m on maternity leave until January), but if this *isn’t* actually boredom, then I’ll just be not!bored at work.

So is the answer different medication? The not!boredom has been going on for a while, but the Abilify hasn’t helped. All Abilify has done (while it has gotten me out of the worst slump I’ve ever had) is cause weight gain. So now I’m fat and sad. And not!bored. I’ve started weaning myself off the Abilify and I am going to ask to try Lamotrigine. Lamotrigine is a mood stabilizer. Abilify is an anti-psychotic which is often used to augment other treatments for depression. I’m on a low dose, and the next step would be to increase it to 10mg (mood stabilization level), which I don’t want.

I feel almost stir crazy today, but it’s freezing out (-25 Celsius) and I don’t want to subject my baby to the cold unnecessarily. Besides, I don’t even know where we’d go. Shopping, I guess.

And yes, I could do the dishes, but even 4 dishes in the sink seem like they will require a huge effort to do. There’s a basket of laundry to fold, but when I look at it, I feel overwhelmed. I’ll do it tonight when my kids go to bed and my hubby is home, because sometimes when he’s here, I can accomplish things I couldn’t do during the day.

And so we march on.

breathe

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