Timing the Day

When you’re depressed, everything is hard. Chores, showering, etc.

For me, I can shower and get dressed, but then I struggle with doing my hair, make up, and brushing my teeth. I might have to (and usually do) take a break in between getting dressed and finishing my morning routine. Even with a break, I need to remind myself that brushing my teeth will take less than five minutes.

Sometimes,  I have to make a choice in the morning between doing my hair and brushing my teeth, because I can’t get both done. So I just brush my teeth.

Dishes are the bane of my existence right now, and I have to remind myself that there’s less than 15 minutes worth of “work” to get them done. Sometimes I can do the whole load at once, sometimes, I have to make 2 or 3 tries to get it done. I look at my husband’s ability to clean the entire kitchen in less than 20 minutes, and am always amazed that he has the energy and ability to do it.

My psychiatrist reassured me that I “will be happy again”, but that day seems awfully far away. I *want* to be the wife that has the kitchen clean and dinner ready when my husband gets home from work. I *want* to be the mom that makes my kids healthy meals, and doesn’t feel like a peanut butter sandwich is too much work. I want to just get ready all at once in the morning.

I feel inadequate and useless. I have to remind myself that I am working towards getting better, that brighter days are ahead. I have to remember that things won’t always be hard, that one day I will be able to make dinners and snacks, and play with my children again. One day I won’t feel so much guilt over all the things I want to do, but can’t. One day, I won’t have to force myself to do the things that others find so easy to complete.

I know we all have good and bad days, and this week has been especially difficult for me. My mood is quite low. But I forced myself to go out. I will get to the dishes this afternoon. I did my hair and brushed my teeth today. One step at a time, one little task at a time. I can do this.

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