I saw my psychiatrist a couple of days ago. My depression hasn’t changed since the last appointment when we upped my Zoloft. We didn’t modify my medications any more this time, but I was assigned homework.
For the next 6 weeks I need to keep track of the things that “fill my bucket” and the things that “empty it”.
It’s been interesting keeping track of these things. Some days the same things that FILL my bucket also empty it. Parenting. Visiting friends.
Some days the things that I think should fill my bucket, actually end up in the empty column.
And some days, I have a difficult time finding much to write in the “fill” column. Which always surprises me because I am an optimist, I have a beautiful family, a husband I love dearly, and so many good friends and people in my life.
But probably most surprising of all, was the realization that I am not completely present when out with friends. I feel disconnected. Only half present. Like I’m aware I should be having fun, and I’m laughing and smiling, but it’s not as fun as I’m pretending.
I am not sure what the next steps will be. Probably an increase in the Abilify to mood stabilization levels instead of the low dose medication augmentation dose I’m currently at. The goal is to keep moving forward. One day at a time. One foot, and then the other. The psychiatrist promised me that I will be happy again one day… but more importantly, I think, is that I made a promise to myself that I will not give up. I will continue to fight this battle, one day at a time. Right foot, left foot, right foot.
Keep fighting, everyone. Keep fighting.