Today is a hard day.

Today is hard. Not because bad things have happened, but because emotionally, things are hard. I feel heavy. My chest is tight. I want to cry, but I can’t. I want to be productive, but it’s too difficult. It took many tries to empty the dishwasher today. After showering and getting dressed, I had to push myself to take off yesterday’s mascara. It’s 2:30 in the afternoon and I still haven’t brushed my teeth. If I didn’t have a baby, I think I’d be in bed. But I just keep pushing, surviving, moving, because I have a baby.

I have been beating myself up today. I’ve gained 5 pounds. I can’t clean the house. It’s hard.

I think that when I see the psychiatrist in 2 weeks, I’ll see about adjusting my medication. Now that the excitement of feeling better has worn off, I suspect that I’m still not as good as I hoped that I was. As good as I wanted to be.

There are lots of “shoulds” on my mind today too.
I should clean.
I should go to the gym.
I should go get groceries.
I should figure out what to eat for dinner.
I should, I should, I should.

But I think I`m going to choose to be kind to myself and take a deep breath, and pick up some chilli for dinner. I`m going to let go of the “shoulds” and believe that tomorrow will be a better day. I’m going to be gentle with myself for the rest of the day. And just keep fighting.

fighting

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